The 3 Parenting Levers That Simplify Everything
Forget the Rules, Here Are the Only 3 Levers You Need for Parenting
Parenting advice can feel like a firehose to the face. Experts, books, and relatives offer conflicting rules, leaving you exhausted and unsure. In a moment of chaos, it's impossible to recall a specific rule from a book.
For a long time, I was stuck asking, "What's the right thing to do?" It’s the wrong question.
Frankly, I'm terrible at remembering rules and prefer to avoid a heavy mental load. I needed a simpler way—a mental model to process situations as they come. So I developed one. It’s a control panel with three levers that represent the core settings I am helping to wire in my child's brain. It helps me see the why behind my actions.
The critical thing to understand is that your actions pull these levers whether you're regulated or not. An angry outburst affects them just as much as a calm conversation. This means the framework is just as useful for analyzing the impact after you've lost your temper and regained control as it is for guiding an intentional response.
Lever 1: The Trust Bank
Think of this as a bank account of safety and connection with your child, an idea that builds on research into secure attachment. Your goal is to keep the balance high through deposits.
Deposits: Keeping your word, truly listening, respecting their feelings.
Withdrawals: Breaking promises, dismissing emotions, yelling, being distracted.
⚙️ The Dial: The type of deposits changes with age—from physical comfort for toddlers to respecting privacy for teens.
Lever 2: The Habit Engine
This is about intentionally creating the default behaviors and routines for your family. It’s less about demanding compliance and more about building automated habits that make life smoother.
Child's Habit Engine: This is about building autonomy, a core idea from Self-Determination Theory. Instead of demanding, “Put your shoes on now,” try, “We’re heading out—do you want to start with socks or shoes?” The small choice trains both the habit and their sense of control.
Your Parent Habit Engine: Your go-to responses become the blueprint for their world. Be patient; studies show it can take months to form a habit, so consistency beats intensity.
⚙️ The Dial: Dial strength up for toddlers (who need concrete repetition) and down for pre-teens (who crave voice and choice).
Lever 3: Setting Hard Lines
This is your emergency tool, reserved for safety-critical or core-value breaches only—situations where physical or emotional harm is imminent. It's used sparingly because it has a cognitive cost for a child.
When you must use this lever (e.g., shouting when your child runs toward the street or when they hit their mom), you make a massive Trust Bank withdrawal. Because of this cost, an immediate repair is non-negotiable. Relationship researchers like John Gottman call this ‘repair,’ and it’s crucial. Once safe, you get down on their level, hug them, and say this as softly and sweetly as possible, "I love you. That was very dangerous, and you must not do it again."
⚙️ The Dial: The number of hard lines should decrease as a child matures and internalizes core values.
Putting It Into Practice: A Goal-Oriented Approach to a Meltdown
Let's ground this in a real-world scenario: a full-blown meltdown in the grocery store. The key is to start by defining your goal, moving from most urgent to most important.
1. Immediate Goal: Environmental Control. Your child is screaming in a busy aisle. Your first goal isn't to teach; it's to get out of the way. You might simply pick them up and move to a quiet corner. This is a tactical move to give yourself space to think.
2. Secondary Goal: De-escalation. Next, your goal is to make the tantrum stop. You can choose your strategy. You could use a Hard Line (a firm "We are done"), but this is a costly Trust Bank withdrawal. A more productive strategy is to use the other levers: make a Trust Bank deposit with a calming touch and start the Habit Engine by asking, "You're clearly very upset. What's going on?"
3. Tertiary Goal: Long-Term Prevention. Later, at home, your goal is to ensure this is less likely to happen again. This is all about the Habit Engine and Trust Bank. You talk about a plan for next time and make a huge deposit by validating their feelings, even if you didn't give in.
The Result: When you consistently apply this thinking, the dynamic shifts. From my own experience, the "tantrum" default is replaced by a "negotiation" habit. Because the Trust Bank is high, my kids believe my reasoning. And because Hard Lines exist in the background, they know a meltdown isn't an effective tool. You turn a battleground into a training ground.
Conclusion: From “What?” to "Why?" to "How?"
The framework's first gift is shifting you from blindly asking "What should I do?" to intentionally understanding "Why am I doing this?". Its greatest gift, however, is helping you take the next step: using your 'why' to build a practical 'how' for shaping the future.
Instead of just analyzing the past, let's design the future. Take a moment and think: What are 3-5 qualities I most want to nurture in my child? (e.g., resilience, kindness, curiosity, self-respect).
Now, for each quality, ask yourself how you will actively use the levers:
How can I make Trust Bank deposits that specifically nurture resilience? (e.g., by letting them solve small problems on their own, knowing I’m there for support).
How can I design our daily Habit Engine to foster curiosity? (e.g., by making the default response to a “why?” question, “Let's find out together”).
How will I set and maintain Hard Lines that protect a kind heart? (e.g., a zero-tolerance line for cruelty to people or animals).
This transforms the framework from a reactive tool into your personal, proactive guide for parenting with intention. And if you’re co-parenting, a quick weekly “lever check-in” can sync your approaches and keep your efforts consistent. It’s a small investment that pays huge dividends.